I'm anxious.  I still have a chance at passing and doing well this semester.  But so far things aren't peachy keen.  If I pass this semester then I'll only have one year left to graduate.  I really don't want to mess up this semester.  I've wasted so much time already.  I really gotta keep it together.

I feel like I'm just waiting for my life to start or something.  It's wierd and hard for me to explain.  Like I know I'm in a good place in my life.  I know what I want to do and I'm focused on getting it done.  But then I see the other people my age and what they're doing right now and there's no one who's really in the same place as me.  Everyone is partying and having a good time.  Which is great.  Good for them you know?  It's like, I want to do that too, and I want to be out there having fun too.  But at the same time I know that if I was out there partying it up, I really wouldn't be partying it up.  I would probably have a drink or two and chit chat maybe dance a little bit, but I know that I would be thinking about the million and one things I could be doing at that moment that needs to be done for school or other.

Right now I'm sort of reading this book that's on Buddhism.  It's OK.  No offense to anyone who is buddhist but a lot of the words confused me.  I was reading some of the terms and it sounds like someone just came up with these big crazy words just to fit a detailed definition that no one can really understand.  I was raised a Catholic, but I can't honestly say my beliefs are Catholic.  The point of having a religion is to totally and fully agree and believe the standards of that faith.  But I don't fully agree with everything.  So I can honestly say I'm born again, but born again what?  I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth.  I believe in Jesus Christ. . . .  and that He died for us and that He loves us.  To compare the two religions - Buddhism basically says that each person is made up of "essence" or "spirit" and that there is no greater power.  We are that greater power.  There is no big person up there in the sky watching over us.  There is no diety to place blame on for our actions.  There is just us.  At the end of the day there isn't power in a god, there is only power in you.  Buddhism teaches that everyone is powerful, but there's no one you can rely on.  You must learn to only rely on yourself.  Sounds lonely to me.  Yes, Catholicism teaches that we are more than just a body, that we have a spirit.  But it teaches us to put our faith in God.  But we are also taught we have free will.  Anything we do we choose to do.  Yet also at the same time, God has a plan for us.  It's all a bit confusing.  And I use the word "bit" loosely.  Though I'm no where near finished studying Buddhism and what it's about.  I feel that my beliefs fit more with Catholicism or Christianity.  I remember once talking to a girl who was very very Christian.  She told me how she studied philosophy and other religions before.  I asked her did it change her views on her own religion and if she changed religions because of it.  She explained to me that studying other religions and learning about philosophy actually helped her realize how her religion "fits" her.  And it actually made her believe more in what she already believed.  I didn't understand her then.  Now I understand where she was coming from.  I am going to check out other religions and try to keep an open mind.  Originally I wasn't checking out other religions to trade in the one I have now, but I was reading up on other religions just to learn.  So far, I too am realizing how well my religion fits me.

Today I went to work early because there was a luncheon at the Suffern Holiday Inn.  I was setting up for the photoshoot and what not.  Nothing special.  Nothing new.  I still didn't want to be there.  I met a few intersesting people today.  One of them was Bill Ritter of Eyewitness News on channel 7.  He's a nice guy.  He looks better in person than on TV actually.  Dimples.  Wrinkles.  He actually wears glasses.  He sooo gets his eyebrows done.  LoL.  Anyway, shook his hand. . .blah blah blah.  He gave a speech at the luncheon, though parts of it were decent, it really had no point or direction. 

The person I met today who was truly interesting was Jerry Donellen.  He went to RCC and graduated in 1966.  He majored in performing arts and actually was a stage manager for Frank Sinatra for 10 years.  He also served in the Vietnam War and lost a leg.  This guy is so awesome.  He has so many jokes and is really interesting.  I told him he should write a book about his life --he thought that was entertaining; glad he thinks I'm funny even though I was serious.  Anyway, the reason I mentioned him was because he's really involved with a lot of things in his life.  He bounced back after serving in the war even though he had a terrible flashback.  But the flashback he experienced was what made him want to get involved in all the veteran stuff he does anyway.  He brought up an interesting point.  He said that those who came back from the Vietnam War didn't go back again.  They stayed home.  But now with this war that we have going on in Iraq people are going back 2-3 times.  It's bad enough that they even have to go, but it makes it doubly times as hard to readjust to civilian life if you have to be uprooted and sent back to serve again and again.  After Jerry gave his speech, you wouldn't be surprised to know that he recieved a standing ovation.  Bill Ritter on the other hand. . .mere applause.

i love my girls. 

next time i think someone is hot and want to get to know them.  please stop me.  please.  this is the reason why i don't even try anymore.  lol.  they're all freakin' crazy mofos! 

here's to being free of all that wackiness and never seeing it again!  woohoo! 

youareanidiot.

you'll never find anyone who cares for you more than me.  you always say you're looking for the right girl for you.  HELLO!!  i'm right here.  you know why you don't see me?  because you're blinded by all of those hoes who are willing to jump in the sack with you and let you feel them up.  those hoes who will care for you, but only for a second, or however long it takes you to come!  you fucking pussy.  you say you're a man.  but you're still a boy.  get you're act together and grow up.

you're always talking to me like you want me to be your wife or some shit like that.  how about making me your girlfriend first!  that would make sense!  aderrrr!!  you say you're looking for a girl who will make a commitment with you.  then why are you chasing some chick who won't even return your calls?  why are you chasing some chick who isn't looking for something serious?  ha!  how does it feel to be on the receiving end for once? 

i wasn't looking for you.  so why did you bother me?  i was just fine before i met you.  i was focused.  i was independent.  and now i'm dependent on you.  dependent on your phone calls, dependent on any kind of affections you would give me.  but any affections you gave me didn't mean jack shit! 

you said you tend to go for older women.  what are you looking for?  are you looking for someone to baby you?  to take care of your every need??  well too bad, i'm looking to be your girlfriend, not your mother.  didn't i tell you i didn't want a fixer-upper-boyfriend?

you know for a long time i was beating myself up over you.  i was telling myself i just need to be supportive of you and your situation.  i was telling myself i was being selfish and not being a good friend because i couldn't hear you talk about other girls.  but i was a fool.  only a fool would allow themselves to be treated like that. 

there was one night when i just wanted to confess to you how much i cared about you, how much i liked you.  i wanted to lay it all out there, out in the open.  but i wasn't going to do that in hopes that you'd like me.  i was going to do it in hopes that i'd get over my feelings for you.  i'd get over those feelings then it wouldn't be so hard to hear you talk about other girls.  that way then i could be a true friend to you. 

i thought i wasn't being fair; that i wasn't being a good friend to you because i just couldn't bear to hear you talk about these other girls.  i never said a thing to about my feelings.  i just let you talk about all these girls.  but for some reason you wouldn't let me talk about any guys.  why was that again?? because you get  j e a l o u s.  but why would you get jealous anyway?  it's not like i'm your girl or anything.  you also said that i could date other guys, as long as i didn't have sex.  what the hell is that about!?  who are you to put restrictions on me!?  who are you to tell me what i can or cannot do!?  you are not my boyfriend.  i never ever put restrictions on you, so why would you even dream of saying something like that to me!?!?!  you have some nerve.

i guess the real question here is:  who are you to me?  well i thought you were my friend.  i thought you could have been something more.  but the way i see it is that you can't be something more to me because you were never really my friend in the first place.  what you are is a selfish, arrogant, conceited person and i have no idea what kept me attracted to you!  you worry too much about what others think about you and that makes you think about yourself all the time.  you, sir, are a people pleaser who, in turn, cannot please himself.  you look to others to "fix" you because you say you are so "broken" from your past experiences.  well the thing is, you can't be "fixed" by others or yourself unless you yourself want to be fixed.  all of your problems come from within you. 

when i first wrote this entry i was angry.  i was so very angry at you.  i was angry at you because of these feelings i have for you.  i was angry at you because you didn't treat me well as a friend.  but now, all i feel for you is pity.  i pity you.  i pity you because if you continue the path you are going on all you are going to be is alone.  and that is one of your greatest fears.  if you don't eventually see that you need to find some inner strength and have faith in yourself and faith in your future and faith in God; then you are going to be alone.  so i pity you Eric.  i pity you.

i wanted to end this entry like this: you haven't given me any reason to stick around.  you haven't given me any reason to even want to be your friend.  but i don't think there was any reason in the first place.

The question was what animal would I be:

be be x3 l i s s: a dog?
be be x3 l i s s: lol
GirLy GinG: oh great
be be x3 l i s s: dogs are sweet and happy and they worry about their owners.. and they are smart
GirLy GinG: i'm a bitch!
GirLy GinG: hahaha
be be x3 l i s s: lmfaoo